It's another one of those lengthy winter months towards the end of the year that make me reflect on everything and everyone that's changed and shaped me thus far.  And, although I'm able to see my growth over time, I can't help but feeling stuck.  You know, that feeling that the only way you can move is side-to-side and that no amount of work can change things.  I understand that everything happens "in due time", but can't understand why everything in my life I either want to rewind or fast forward.

I look back on choices I've made in the past and I don't regret a thing.  I realize that because of who I've met and the choices I've made, I am who I am today.  I've made my own mistakes as well as learned from others.  I've taken good advice and refused better advice.  I've heard a thousand "I told you so"s and as many "now you'll know for next time"s.  I guess I just want all of that to mean something more universal than just me being me.  I wish it could add up to something useful, something helpful, something not so ... isolated.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of good things going for me in my life.  I love where I live and my roommate and I get along famously.  I have an amazing family that never cease to make me laugh.  No matter what I've done, no matter where I've gone, those four people are the only ones who have always been there for me - and there's no doubt that they always will be.  I have a wonderful boyfriend - the only man who's ever made me truly feel beautiful both inside and out - who makes me want to be the best person I can be for him.  But so often it all seems like it's in such a suspended state of "someday"s.  I wait for holidays to be able to have my family all in together in one room again.  I wait for weekends to see my boyfriend and wait for the undefined future to see if we'll move in together, work out in the long run. 

I know I can't rewind, can't tell those I loved and lost that I love them one more time before they pass away.  Can't be a little bit nicer to old friends, can't be a little bit more patient with old acquaintances.  I can't go back and convince myself in high school that I am pretty, that I'm not fat, that it's okay to stop trying to hide behind "just friends" and amorphous clothes.  I can't go back and convince myself in college to stick it out, even though my heart's not in it, to just finish that degree and close that chapter. 

I know I can't fast forward, can't stop Big Bro and Poco from leading their own lives, chasing their own dreams, spreading their own wings.  I can't push my relationship to evolve before it's ready, can't imply feelings that haven't yet developed or force actions that are still hopes more than inevitabilities.  I can't jump into the perfect career and create false happiness.

So why don't I feel like my life's on "Play"?  I can't quite figure out why things don't feel like their moving, but somehow in all this mess "Pause" got pushed and it's sticking.